For over eight years we have been receiving intermittent announcements from “The Council” (see end of this post for earlier ones). None of these specified which council it was. On 16 March 2026, we received yet another communication from this highly alarming place. Once again, we reprint it verbatim, just in case you live there…

The Council’s finances

Following a meeting of The Council’s Budget Committee on 12 March 2026, it was announced that The Council’s expenditure (total £200m) could now be divided into the following pots:

• Adult social care £124,000,000
• Children’s services £51,000,000
• Interest payments for loans and government debts £24,800,000
• Staff salaries £19,676.62
• Sundries £24.38

“This means,” Finance portfolio holder Locum McDougal explained “that a series of economies would need to be made with immediate effect.”

On being asked by Councillor Rufus Sidewinder how a team of officers could be retained with a total salary provision of less than £20,000, Councillor McDougal replied that ” this is something we’re looking into.”

Councillor Topaz O’Leary asked what “sundries” covered. “Planning services, street cleaning, refuse collection, recycling. And education, libraries…sports and leisure provision and community transport,” Councillor McDougal replied. “And gun licences. And public health. And environmental initiatives…and culture. And, er…parking enforcement and communications.” He sat down, received a whispered message from the Section 156 Officer and stood up again. “And pothole repairs.”

Councillor O’Leary asked how all these services could be provided with a total allocation of less than £24, Councillor McDougal replied that ” this is something we’re looking into.”

Councillor Fergus Cave then asked the portfolio holder what economies had so far been identified to square this funding allocation with the service demands. Councillor McDougal said he would give way to Councillor Fremula Crispyn, the recently-appointed portfolio holder for Tough Choices.

Cuts to non-statutory services

“With regard to the services previously mentioned,” she said, “we shall simply stop paying for them. The only item that will be retained is a £2 charge for an overdue copy of The Ladybird Book of Local Government which had been borrowed from the South Minty Library.

“Residents who feel inconvenienced by these changes can use a 24/7/365 telephone advice service which will be availble on a premium-rate number between 9am and 11am on alternate Tuesdays.

“Aside from this bold initiative, we shall with effect from about twenty minutes’ time be implementing various focused re-imaginings of a number of non-statutory services which The Council has provided  for years beyond count – but not any more. Many of these are available privately, or through charities, AI, voluntary groups and parish councils. Perhaps. We don’t know.

“To be quite honest, we haven’t had time to find out. This has all come at us in a very real sense, like, very suddenly. We didn’t know that we weren’t going to be getting any more money from the government until 27 November last year, a mere three and a bit months ago. Naturally, this hasn’t provided us with enough time to inform all stakeholders, or any of them. However, they can consider themselves informed now.”

Councillor Crispyn then outlined the focused reimaginings:

• Weather. From now on, there would only be weather from Tuesday to Friday.
• Oxygen. This will only be available between 8am and 5pm on Mondays to Fridays.
• Gravity. This will now be a paid-for service, details to be announced.
• Time. The Council will no longer keep any record of time and all of The Council’s timepieces would be paused between sunset and sunrise.
• Months. February and August would now be regarded as “off-balance-sheet” months for accounting purposes.
• Lunar eclipses. These have been cancelled until further notice.
• Rainbows: these will only be available in red, indigo and violet until further notice.
• The strong electro-magnetic force. This will now be a paid-for service, details to be announced.
• Roads. All non-numbered roads will be removed at evenings and weekends to reduce wear and tear.
• Potholes. These would be redefined as speed-calming devices.

“For too long,” Councillor Crispyn concluded, “these non-statutory services have been provided free of charge by the Council. These days are over and finshed and done with. They’re over. My colleague has already explained the measures that we’ll be taking to ensure that residents will still be able to access these, if this can be arranged and if they can afford them. We see parish councils in particular as being ideally suited to stepping up and taking over providing these services.”

Councillor Geraldine Winterhose asked how this would work in practice. “One of my parishes, Epstein St Andrew, has a precept of only £3,200 a year, most of which is spent on dog bins, verge mowing and international litigation. It’s hard to see how it could also arrange for the provision of matters like oxygen and the strong electro-magnetic force. These things are beyond their competence. Help is required.”

Councillor Crispyn replied that ” this is something we’re looking into.”

Planning applications

• The retrospective application for the construction of a heavy-water facility with associated nuclear capabilities in the garden of 12 Travellers’ Pitch, Boiling (25/22109/AWE) has been approved.
• The outline application for 125,500 homes of a hypothetical nature on land south of Ratman’s Farm, South Moleskin (24/66106/HYP) has been approved subject to the condition that the homes remain hypothetical.
• The application for a new doormat to be added to 74 Waverley Court, Tantamount, has been refused on the grounds that a Commencement Notice had not been applied for before the matter of buying the doormat had been considered. A Community Infrastructure Levy charge of £154,355.94 has therefore been levied.
• The application to build “a pile of stony rubbish for the provision of horoscopes by a drowned Phoenician sailor and to breed lilacs out of the dead ground, mixing memory and desire and stirring dull roots with spring rain” at 34 Eliot Drive, Euphonium (25/76610/WASTE) has been approved subject to landscaping works to include “a hyacinth garden, a heap of broken images and a dead tree that gives no shelter.” It was also specified that, before any works commence, the applicant should “drink coffee and talk for an hour in the Hofgarten, musing on the king my brother’s wreck, with pearls that were his eyes”: and that the construction work must begin during “the cruellest month.”

Events

The following events will take place (or not):

• Tue 17 Mar: Underwater Moon-barking Festival, Trump-cum-Baddenoch Municipal Baths.
• Wed 18 Mar: 102 things to do with wet sawdust and a rubber glove, Barrowmonkey Hall, West Sunak.
• Fri 20 Mar: South Minty Retired Catholic Gentlefolks Battle of the Bands (feat. 666, Yo SatanWitch, Donkeyfukka and You Sick Vicars), Catholic Hall, Minty.
• Sat 21 Mar: Loot and pillage trip to Minas Morgul, Bolvangar and Tashban (cancelled due to time-portal repairs)
• Sat 21 Mar: “Why the equinox is a state conspiracy” talk by Rufus Gullybrick of the The Equinox is a State Conspiracy Society, Pandemic Hall, Wuhan Parva.
• Sat 21 Mar: Thatchbury Beekeepers’ Association Easter lager and vodka frenzy, all town-centre premises, Thatchbury.
• Sun 22 Mar: Nude equinox pagan family matins, St Ignatius the Undemonstrative, South Moleskin.
• Wed 25 Mar: Poached road-kill speed-awareness course, Mandible House, Thatchbury.
• Fri 26 Mar: AGM of the Who Needs Fish Fingers Anyway? Society, Winkle Rooms, Nutbush Parva.
• Sat 27 Mar: Film night – A Man of Destiny: David Cameron’s 2016 Brexit Referendum Speeches, Graveyard Hall, Euphonium.
• Sun 29 Mar: Ha ha, bet you forgot to turn your clocks back (or is it forward?) early brunch, The Gravy Robber’s Zinc Pancake, Fallow.
• Wed 1 Apr: “There will be no talk tonight (or will there?)” by the Deadbarrow Maze April Fool Society, The Enraged Turnip.
• Thu 2 Apr: Turtle-yodelling for alcoholic plumbers, the Basil Brush Rooms, Boiling.
• Sat 4 Apr: Radish weaving workshop, Strontium Hall, Lockjaw Parva.
• Sat 4 Apr: Comedy night with the The Council’s CIL Enforcement and Eviction Team, Waverley Ball Room, Thatchbury.
• Tue 7 Apr: All-day Basil Brush Impersonation Festival, top deck of the route 45a bus between Lemming St Judas, Tustle and Thatchbury.
• Wed 8 Apr: Underwater levitation for claustrophobic dental nurses, the Dogfish Rooms, Boiling.
• Fri 10 Apr: Shouting rubbish at strangers after closing time Q&A, car park of the Vanquished Owl, Musk.
• Sat 11 Apr: Thatchbury Statistical Society’s spring lager and gin frenzy, all town-centre premises, Thatchbury.
• Sun 12 Apr: Loose Chippings Toxic Flytipping Festival, Weaselstokers Hall.

Mutations

• The following animals will mutate in March 2026: electric alligators, trash pandas, bearded termite shrews, terrapin owls, lesser bowling sharks.
• The following animals will mutate in April 2026: Kentucky trump weasels, golden reindeer maggots, invisible nonsense donkeys, municipal seals, turbo badgers, Mexican foxglove hounds and beasts that do slither in unexpected ways after sunset.

The following licensing changes have been approved by The Council

• The Horse and Whispering Horse, South Moleskin: high-voltage petrol cocktails only after dark.
• The Other Horse, South Moleskin: Payment must be made in Green Shield Stamps or Luncheon Vouchers.
• The Cross-eyed Bear, Musk: Maltese underwater crucifiction discos on Friday nights.
• The Waste of Time, Lemming St Pancras: licence revoked until further notice.
• The Public Inquiry, Boiling: the public will not be admitted until November 2026.
• The Gravy Robber’s Zinc Pancake, Fallow: only various activities will be permitted after 8pm.
• The Prince of Darkness, Epstein St Andrew: under-age redacted picture quiz on Tuesday evenings.
• The Groundhog, Vladimir St Kipling: The same music must be played over and over and over again.
• The Dog, the Bricklayer and Two More Dogs, Market Trading: this pub had vanished and has re-appeared in a field just outside Boiling.
• You Know Me, George, Beebop Karla: Scalphunter service only available at weekends.
• The Blind Octopus of Jerusalem, Tustle: blindfolded dwyle-flonking goat supper on Mondays.
• The Land Shark, Catsnoring: licence revoked until further notice.
• The Locked Room, Tantamount: bat trapping, fox bustling and hog whistling permitted at weekends.
• The Graven Beaver, Lupin: only banknotes bearing the image of Winston Churchill are accepted.
• The Logmarket Arms in Hogmarket, Thatchbury: unrequited interactive haddock service after 8pm.
• The Electric Rabbit Warren on Stilts, Minty: licence revoked until further notice.
• Mission Accomplished, Trump: only blueberry pie and Tehran-style freedom fries may be served.
• Krazy Krazy!, Thatchbury: licence revoked until further notice. 
• Tommy’s Toxic Tortoise, Thatchbury: sniff-a-bear chasers permitted after 10pm.

Previous announcements received from ‘The Council’:

• October 2025 Information (Council communications)
• March 2025 Information
• November 2024 Information
• May 2024 Information
• June 2023 Information (election special)
• December 2022 Information
• October 2022 Information
• July 2020 Covid Information
• February 2019 Budget Cuts
• Easter 2018 Changes to Services
• Christmas 2017 Information 

Brian Quinn

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