Parishioners of a certain age may recall the Two Ronnies Phantom Raspberry Blower of Old Town where a Jack-The-Ripper style madman stalks Victorian London, murdering his victims by blowing a rather loud, incongruous raspberry at unexpected times.

Well, although no murders have been committed I am afraid to say we do have a serial offender in our very own Parish that reminds me of this horrific tale. It first became apparent to me four years ago, while cycling the lanes of the Parish during Covid, that a scary, recurring phenomenon was raising its ugly head. Walkers would also have spotted the remnants of the crime and once in tune with the disparity, the purple glow from within the verges can even be picked up whilst driving along the local roads.

I am talking about our very own serial offender – The Phantom Strongbow Dark Fruit Cider Can Dropper of Old Bedwyn Lanes.

Recently some local lanes were strafed to reveal a multitude of these aluminium monstrosities so we went out with an old dustbin liner to collect the evidence. Can after can after can was recovered. A lot of spurious litter was collected alongside the purple cadavers but after an hour or so a mere stretch of less than a mile revealed no less than one hundred and seven cans of the Strongbow Dark Fruit Cider variety.

Many months of obsessing have followed in our household. Surely it must be the same person? Afterall, Dark Fruits Strongbow Cider is surely not exactly a common tipple of the Bedwyn suburb inhabitants? What would be the expected make up of the serial offender? Someone in the habit of a cheeky tipple on the way home from work? Drinking while driving?

Although closer inspection reveals the cans both on driver and passenger side verges of the Parish. Could we have a partnership involved in this crime? Surely two people would not be complicit in such a hideous lack of respect for the countryside? This leads us to think maybe the suspect is driving around the parish in between jobs or errands, in all directions.

Cans can be found on all roads out of Great Bedwyn; between Little and Great; through Jockey Green and up Forest Hill; lanes in and out of Froxfield; the lanes between Bedwyn and Hungerford, the purple plunderer spreads far and wide. Another walk along our stretch reveals a further fifty two cans in the space of six weeks. That’s quite a habit.

To be honest I am partially concerned for this cider swilling litterbug – have they not considered they may be well over the NHS guidelines for alcohol intake? After all it’s only 14 units per week these days and this latest haul constitutes 15.6 units a week – let alone what may have been distributed alongside other verges in the same timeframe.

While this intriguing conundrum of identifying The Phantom Strongbow Dark Fruit Cider Dropper of Old Great Bedwyn is reaching a point of obsession, our litter picking continues and plans are afoot to construct some kind of sculpture out of the residue.

Have you spotted cans in your local lanes? Are you prepared to go out on foot and recover some evidence? I must say, a map of cans and locations found would be very interesting data and may well lead to the triangulation of the Phantom’s location.

Any evidence can be reported to Purplestrongbow@gmail.com.

Meanwhile, stay safe, watch out for flying POFFV (Purple Objects Flying From Vehicles) and beware, the Phantom Strongbow Dark Fruit Cider Can Dropper of Old Bedwyn Lanes could be among you.