When the news broke that the former Chelsea supremo, the German Thomas Tuchel, had been picked for the job of manager of the England men’s football team, it took us but a moment to realise that this was surely a matter on which our Hamburg correspondent would have something to say. Owen Jones is, after all, a football loving Brit (Welsh, to be precise) who’s been living in Hamburg for the last four decades and is more than happy to express his views. So, “what do you think of the appointment?” was the question: and we were not disappointed…

I’m a football fan; I’m definitely not a football pundit. But – like all fans, I suppose – I have an opinion on most aspects of the (allegedly) beautiful game. 

I imagine Thomas Tuchel is one of three German managers of whom the British football-loving public are generally aware.

There’s Brighton’s Fabian Hürzeler, who had a roaring start to the season that’s gone ever so slightly off the boil of late. He’s a tactical boy wonder and I’m sure has a big future ahead of him. Last season he took my club, FC St. Pauli, up to the first division of the Bundesliga for the first time since 2010. Then he promptly took the king’s shilling of the Premier League. The bitter disappointment we all felt has been exacerbated by our poor performance this autumn. Hürzeler had us consistently punching above our weight; since his departure we’ve been doing the opposite. I wish him well, but it’s still hard to forgive. 

Then of course there’s Jürgen Klopp. Well, what can you say? I’ll make no bones about it: I love everything about the man. He’s passionate, inspiring and tactically astute as a football manager; and as a mensch, he’s highly intelligent, socially aware, deeply humane – and very funny. (“I’m the boring one“). Yes, I know he’s just taken a job with Red Bull; but – perhaps naively – I still believe that it’s not just for the filthy lucre and that he genuinely wants to be a force for good in sport. 

So what do I think about Herr Tuchel? Well frankly, I don’t much care for him.

However, unlike that strange British institution The Daily Mail, the fact that I’m not really enamoured of the man has nothing to do with his being German – hardly surprising, given that I’m a Brit who relocated to Hamburg nearly forty years ago and has never regretted it. I might add that, as far as I’m aware, the last German who received a positive press in The Daily Mail was a certain Adolf Hitler…

No, I just don’t find Mr. Tuchel particularly likeable; not the kind of guy I’d fancy going to the pub with, especially as – if the rumours are to be believed – his favourite tipple is warm water. 

Admittedly, part of the reason for my distaste lies in the fact that the last three teams of which he was in charge – PSG, Chelsea and Bayern Munich – are all up there in my top ten of most despised football clubs. Just my personal opinion, mind… 

This doesn’t mean I think he’s not a decent choice as the next England manager. On the contrary, there seems to be a dispassionate coldness about him that may well stand him in good stead. As much as I like and admired the emotional aspect of Southgate’s reign, I think it might have been something of an Achiles’ heel for him. He was intensely loyal to his players, and thus reluctant, when things were not going so well, to look for a Plan B that might involve dropping a couple of them (such as in the last Euro final).

I doubt Tuchel will have such qualms. He’s a calculator. He’ll study the form and calculate the odds like a professional gambler (and every selection is a gamble). Such merciless objectivity is likely to mean that he’ll be a lot more flexible in his game plans and selections, I suspect. 

As for the tired old “England should have an English manager” lament, all I can really say is, get over it and stop living in the past. Yes, the modern game is dominated and controlled by big business, television and obscene amounts of money. I hate this state of affairs as much as anyone, but that’s how it is; and in  such circumstances you simply look for the best man or woman for the job. 

Oh, and while we’re on the subject of women (and foreigners): the Lionesses haven’t been doing too badly, have they…?

Owen Jones
For other articles by the same author, click here.

• The image at the top is taken from this article on the FA’s website published on 16 October 2024 at which the news of Tuchel’s appointment was officially announced.