For over six years we have been receiving intermittent announcements from “The Council” (see end of this post for earlier announcements). None of these specified which council it was. On 12 May 2024, we received a further communication from this deeply alarming place. Once again, we reprint it verbatim, just in case…

Environmental matters

Last week it was announced by Executive member Lucretia Strange that “all areas of the district are now deeply contaminated with sewage” apart from Esterhase (due to its medieval aquatic battlements); Dapple and Euphonium South (which have vanished); and Lemming St Trinians (which “as it now regards itself as being part of the Republic of Madagascar no longer falls under the purview of our Environmental Protection Team”).

She added that The Council had urgently been seeking a meeting with South, East, West, East (again) Region (SEWER) Water but that “discussions were hampered by the fact that SEWER has recently been sold to a consortium led by Nutrienz Poluski Ruski Enterprises in Irkutsk and Pang Pong Investments (Pte) in Wuhan.”

She added that the company appears to have wound up its operations in this country and that a recent audit has confirmed that its only domestic assets now comprised two wheelbarrows, a 20m hosepipe, a Ford Transit with faulty brakes and a springer spaniel called Gerald.

She confirmed that The Council had written “a pretty stiff letter” to the Minister responsible but had so far only received an auto-reply saying that he was on sick leave having contracted typhoid during his last visit to The Council district as part of an “in-depth fact-finding trip”.

Councillor Strange also said that The Council was taking “urgent action” to control a reported infestation of luminescent three-headed dogs on the site of the former Atomic Asbestos Abattoir in Boiling. She stressed that The Council had pointed out many times to the government, which now owned the site, that “having the de-contamination work conducted by the lowest bidder with no previous experience was a recipe for disaster.” 

She went on to say that The Council had first been concerned late last year when it was reported that the appointed contractor, JDS Driveways, had claimed to have cleaned the entire 20-acre site in an afternoon and that the resulting spoil had been dumped in the car park of Thatchbury Rovers FC’s Fredrickson Road ground.

She confirmed that The Council had written “a pretty stiff letter” to the Minister responsible but had so far only received an auto-reply saying that she was on sick leave having contracted “a radiation-related infection” during her last visit to The Council district as part of an “in-depth fact-finding trip”.

The Leader

Following the eight-way tie after the elections in May, it was agreed that the Leadership of the Council would rotate every six months. A spokesperson confirmed this week that, “in order to provide a real-time sense of strength and purpose to the reality and perception of decision-making”, the following Leadership positions would be adopted:

• Leader (Acting): Jack Pogo (Porcupine Party).
• Assumed Leader (Non-acting): Geraldine Winterhose (Labour Conservative Party).
• Implied Leader: Luc-Philippe Cambrioleur (Le Front National de Libération de la Paroisse de Lemming St Trinians).
• Inferred Leader: Georgia Tangent (Porcupine Party).
• Acting Leader (on sabbatical): Percy Lamplighter (Karla-Smiley Party).
• Leader (but not Leader): Lupine de Souza (Democratic Republicans).
• Leader-in-Waiting: Barry Parry (Say No to 6,000 Homes in Euphonium).
• Non-leader: Fremula Cryspin (Rainbow Party).

The spokesperson added that “although no confusion existed about who was running The Council, if there had been – which there wasn’t – then a line had now been drawn under it and the page turned so allowing people to move on from any uncertainty, even though no uncertainty had existed.”

May 2024 events

The following events will be taking place in the coming weeks:

• Thu 16 May: Thatchbury Town Council Fox Snarling Championships, Frogmarket.
• Fri 17 May: Cooking with Turpentine workshop, Bebop Parva Tramshed.
• Sat 18 May: History Talk by Dr Thelonius Pepper: South Minty’s Place in the History of Contaminated Manure, Village Hall.
• Sat 18 May: Planning and Housing Departments’ Early-summer Lager Frenzy, Thatchbury (all town-centre licensed premises).
• Sun 19 May: Lockjaw Parva Reggae Finals, Wilderness Hall.
• Tue 21 May: High-voltage Cable Knitting Festival, Cream Cornett Village Hall.
• Thu 23 May: Sacking and Pillage Trip to Dragonstone, Beaversdam, Rivendell and Bolvangar (cancelled due to time-portal repairs).
• Fri 24 May: South Minty Retired Catholic Gentlefolks’ Club Battle of the Bands (feat. Hell Vixenz, Yo Cruella!, ToadThrush and Beatbox Butcher), Catholic Hall, Minty.
• Sat 25 May: Middleate Whiplash Cupcake Festival, Hookline Hall.
• Sat 25 May: West Sunak Offal Party, Monkeybarrow Hall.
• Sun 26 May: Nude supermarket dash in aid of The Tustle and Bebop Parva Alligator Protection Society, HappyShoppa, Tustle.
• Tue 28 May: AGM of the Deadbarrow Maze Rat Whispering Club, Circumference Hall.
• Thu 30 May: Terry Wogan Impressions Gala courtesy of the Tustle & Chippings Dental Hygiene Co-operative, The Blind Octopus of Jerusalem, Tustle.
• Sat 1 June: Planning and Housing Departments’ Mid-summer Vodka Frenzy, Thatchbury (all town-centre licensed premises).

Refuse collections and recycling

The following changes have been made to roadside collections:

• Black bins: sewage.
• Yellow bins: fish hooks, adders, dark cloaks, malachite eggs and broken sextants.
• Inferred bins (£100pa charge): other objects.
• Five-litre caddies: empty gin bottles and cabbage stalks.
• Five millilitre caddies: radio-active waste, asbestos and horse manure.
• Green bins: these must not be used until further notice.

Collections will now take place on Tuesdays in parishes whose names start with an even letter of the alphabet or contain more than two words. All other collections will take place on other days, to be decided at the time.

Planning applications

• The application for a seven-bedroom house in Market Trading on the site of a one-bedroom bungalow which has vanished (24/14423/WTF) has been approved.
• The outline application for 6,000 homes on land north of Euphonium Park, each house 0.05% larger than the previous one (23/37754/VAST) has been approved subject the condition that ten (or, at the very least, two) of these be affordable and that developers provide a replacement lock for door of the village’s public toilet, viability assessments permitting.
• The application for a change of use for the former Lucid Crocodile public house in Tantamount High Street to “a five-storey glass-sided pork abattoir, incinerator and animal-testing centre” (23/95561/CHOP) has been approved subject to the condition that loud opera music “or a similar aural distraction” be played during the hours of operation.
• The application to build a “a stately pleasure dome with a sacred river and caverns measureless to man on twice five miles of fertile ground, girded round with walls and towers” at 34 Coleridge Gardens, Lockjaw Parva (24/24410/XAN) has been approved subject to landscaping works to include “gardens bright with sinuous rills, incense-bearing trees and forests as ancient as the hills enclosing sunny spots of greenery.” 

Roads

The Council has announced that the prosecutions arising from the incident between the A993 and the B600 on 10 December 2018 which subsequently led to years of international legal wrangles have, for the second time, been abandoned. A statement confirmed that “The Council has resultantly agreed that no useful purpose could be served by continuing to prosecute these roads, one of which is now believed to be in hiding in Transcaucasia and the other is claiming to part of the Republic of Madagascar.”

Herriot Barkflash, Portfolio Holder for Vindictive Prosecutions has, however, said that The Council’s legal team has identified civil prosecutions as the way forward. 

“We have been advised that anyone who used either of these roads in the seven years prior to their vanishing could be liable to be charged for aiding and abetting a felon,” Councillor Barkflash continued. He confirmed that The Council has instructed a team of Bulgarian consultants to examine CCTV footage and expect to have the first summons issued “within weeks.”

The B007 from Market Trading to Spectre has vanished.

The B179 from Billow to Loose Chippings is now divisible.

The Z9 to Dragonstone, Beaversdam, Rivendell and Bolvangar will be closed for time-portal repairs until further notice.

Bus services

• Route BBC2 between Chippings Magna and Furnace will now have subtitles.
• Route 3.33 between Thatchbury Logmarket and Tustle via Bebop Parva is now a recurring service (but has vanished).
• Route 225 between Market Trading and South Moleskin is being investigated on charges of conspiracy to pervert the course of justice.
• Route 300, Thatchbury Dogmarket to Minty. This is now an aspirational service.
• Route 66 between South Moleskin and Vladimir St Ivel has vanished, along with all the passengers who were on board the 16.35 service on 30 April.
• Councillor Fremula Cryspin – who was appointed portfolio holder for road and bus retention in June 2023 to replace Councillor Rufus Sidewinder (who had vanished) – has vanished. Councillor Josh Rogan has been appointed to the role in her place.

Rail services

Due to various factors including the construction of of the £700bn HS5 – which will run non-stop from Inverness to Godalming, slashing eight minutes off the journey time – a number of changes have been introduced to services in the area. See the map below for details.

As of 1 May, the franchise formerly operated by TwisterTrack has now been transferred to MisterTrack. Previously issued season tickets will not be honoured unless these were endorsed before the date on which the new franchise agreement was culminated (3 April) and after the date on which the previous franchise was de-invigorated (4 April).

All previous ticket arrangements have now been replaced by a new Mister Twister’s Rail Transistor Share-fare Travelcard Plus (the italics must be used in all communications) which is valid on all services except those departing from blue or oval stations during periods 1, 2, 3 or 5, or on Mondays or after dark, or at other times.

Mutations

• The following animals will mutate in June 2024: paraffin sloths; ne’er-do-well termites; piebald mall rats; striped carnivores of a deceptively mild disposition; feathered turnip hounds; runcible goats.
• The following animals will mutate in July 2024: Greek elbow adders; belted newts; frabjous cockroach weasels; animals that do howl at the sky on dark nights; custard donkeys.

The following licensing changes have been approved by The Council

• The Horse and Whispering Horse, South Moleskin: phosphate and nitrate buffet on Tuesdays.
• The Other Horse, South Moleskin: complimentary asbestos groundwater with all orders over £75.
• Aunt Josephine’s Leather Suitcase, Thimble: grandparents and step-children only on Thursdays.
• The Silent Hedgerow Murder, Thistle: Half-price electric zombie cocktails on Fridays.
• The Porcupine-at-Arms Arms, Thatchbury: only three people allowed inside any any time.
• The Sunken Bungalow, Vladimir St Kipling. Topless snorkel service on Tuesdays.
• The Dog, the Bricklayer and Two More Dogs, Market Trading: licence revoked until further notice.
• Lady Percival’s Hamster, Lemming St Judas: lemon harpoon-trap discos from 9pm Saturdays.
• The Lamplighter’s Arms, Beebop Smiley: Moscow rules apply at weekends.
• The Blind Octopus of Jerusalem, Tustle: three-legged road-rage quiz on alternate Wednesdays.
• The Gravy Robber’s Zinc Pancake, Fallow: licence revoked until further notice.
• The Nazgul’s Revenge, Deadbarrow: closed until the darkness returns.
• The Second Sight, South Vennells: licence revoked until further notice.
• The Hogmarket Arms in Bogmarket, Thatchbury: bring your own holy communion vodka on Sunday lunchtimes.
• The Electric Rabbit Warren on Stilts, Minty: “blink and you miss’em” cocktails after 9pm.
• Mandy Monk’s Skunk Trunk, Thatchbury: primeval chess discos on Sunday afternoons.
• It’s Like an Actual Thing!, Thatchbury: licence revoked until further notice. 

Previous announcements received from ‘The Council’: 

• June 2023 Information (election special)

• December 2022 Information

• October 2022 Information

• July 2020 Covid Information

• February 2019 Budget Cuts

• Easter 2018 Changes to Services

• Christmas 2017 Information 

Brian Quinn

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