Important Information from “The Council” (December 2022)

For over five years we have been receiving intermittent announcements from “The Council” (see end of this post for earlier announcements). None of these specified which council it was. On 10 December 2022, we received a further communication from this highly alarming place. Once again, we reprint it verbatim, just in case…

Cost-of-living hardship funds

Following the report in October, the latest government announced that the previous grant of £5.4m had been rescinded: much of this had been earmarked for supporting certain groups such as elderly left-handed Sagittarians, greengrocers and people suffering from colour blindness. Following a recalculation, it had been determined for the Ministry for Levelling Down that The Council now owed the government £2.1m.

Following an emergency debate, The Council’s Cabinet has decided that this will be reclaimed from residents as follows:

  • £950,000 from all organisations which have received grants from The Council in the previous two financial years, to be divided pro rata between these organisations according to the square root of the company, CIC or charity incorporation numbers.
  • £400,000 from what Council leader Lupine de Souza described as “a one-time forced loan with no repayment period” from all Council employees.
  • £400,000 from “carefully selected vulnerable groups.”
  • £350,000 from a licence system permitting parish and town councils to hold meetings, back-dated to 2016.

“We hope that these measures will enable us to balance our books by the end of March 2023,” Finance portfolio holder Lavinia Housepride said. “This is felt to be more important that handing out money will-nilly to people like elderly left-handed Sagittarians and those who can’t see properly, who may in any case just spend it on sherry or Chinese IT products.”

The Council’s local plan

The Council has recently announced that the preliminary emerging revised draft provisional version of this document – which will define all The Council’s policies for the next 15 years – has been published. It runs to 18,555 pages (not counting appendices, footnotes, maps, charts, doodles, supporting documents, puzzles, word searches, errata slips  and seemingly blank pages printed in invisible ink) and has been in preparation since 1987.

“This represents the start of the beginning of the end of the penultimate stage of the local plan,” Planning portfolio holder Rupert Winterhose announced. “Interested parties will now have 24 hours to study the documents. This will be followed by a five-day consultation period (known as Regulation 99). The plan will then possibly, or more probably not, be amended in the light of comments received before being sent off for external examination.”

As a result of a recently concluded co-operation agreement, this examination will be performed by the Peruvian Defence Ministry. In exchange, The Council’s Parking Enforcement team will be reviewing the Peruvian government’s military procurement policy for the period 2025 to 2035.

Councillor Winterhose described the plan as being “policy-led, business-friendly, resident-focussed, environmentally-aware, pragmatic, digestible, enforceable, literate and in most of its aspects legally defensible.”

He added that “in response to community engagement” the number of homes allocated to the protected SSSI wetlands between Boiling and Tantamount had been reduced from 3,000 to 2,900. Moreover, he added, rather than being built over 50 years as previously envisaged, the construction period was now estimated to be five weeks. He was also able to confirm that “advanced discussions” were taking place with the Chinese developers Way Tu Go (Wuhan). This company was also responsible for constructing the invisible underwater recycling centre at South Minty (which has since vanished).

The other highlights of the plan are:

  • A new policy CS447 which will compel officers to be pre-disposed in favour of granting permission for crocodile farms, mid-scale nuclear reactors, dogging bays and underground mercury lakes.
  • A package of new policies (CS766 to CS870) defining the type of socks which can be worn by members and officers during site visits between March and September.
  • The removal of all policies relating to environmental sustainability (formerly CS76 to CS496) ro replaced by one mandate that “developers need to add some ‘green’ features to things they build, if they have the time and can afford it.”

The following parishes are not included in the plan:

  • Lemming St Trinians (which declared UDI in 2019 as a result of an unwelcome planning decision and now regards itself as being part of the Republic of Madagascar).
  • Lashings Magna (which has been underwater since January 2020 as a result of a sewage leak).
  • Trundle-cum-Vestment (which is preparing what it terms a “unilateral neighbourhood scooping project under the Representation of the Parishes Act of 1911.” The Council recognises neither of these terms and the Senior Planning Officer has decided to “leave the parish alone until we can work out what it’s up to.” )
  • Boiling Wednesday (which has vanished).

Festive Council events

The following events  will be taking place over the festive season:

  • Sun 11 Dec: Thatchbury Town Council Reggae Finals, Hogmarket Hall.
  • Sun 11 Dec: Silent Carol Service performed by the Minty and Bebop Karla Noel Edmunds Fan Club, Belladonna Garden Centre, Bebop Karla.
  • Mon 12 Dec: Nude Badger-baiting Festival of Lights, South Moleskin.
  • Mon 12 Dec: Three-legged supermarket dash in aid of the Lemming St Trinians’ UDI Fund, at KwikShoppe, Lemming St Trinians.
  • Wed 13 Dec: Shopping trip from Thatchbury Dogmarket to Edoras, Beruna Bridge and Lannisport (cancelled due to time-portal repairs).
  • Wed 13 Dec: Basil Brush Impression Gala courtesy of the Tustle & Chippings Dental Hygiene Co-operative, The Blind Octopus of Jerusalem, Tustle.
  • Fri 15 Dec: Planning and Highways Departments’ Festive Lager Frenzy, Thatchbury (all town-centre licensed premises).
  • Fri 15 Dec: Blindfolded make-your-own fireworks beginners workshop and gin-tasting, Lucozade Hall, Truss.
  • Sat 16 Dec: A selection of 1980s TV  theme music performed by the Wuhan Parva Girl Guides, top deck of the W7 bus between Chippings Magna and Fallow (all day).
  • Mon 18 Dec: 13th annual West Sunak String Vest Festival, Barrowmonkey Hall, West Sunak.
  • Wed 20 Dec: District-wide Reverse Secret Santa, with members of The Council’s Finance Department delivering writs by sleigh.
  • Sat 24 Dec: Thatchbury Christmas lights switch-on by the Very Rev Brigadier-General Sir Marcus Arkela-Benzine QC, the Lord Lieutenant of the County.

Refuse collections and recycling

The following changes have been made to roadside collections.

  • Black bins: “green” waste, however defined.
  • Orange bins: “green” items, however defined.
  • Striped bins: discarded flags; 1970s QPR shirts (home strip only); tiger skins; electrocuted or boneless animals.
  • Virtual bins (£100pa charge): other objects (without prejudice).
  • 1,750-litre caddies: sun beds; conservatories;  rabbit hutches; petrol generators.
  • 256-litre caddies: anti-inflammatory fish; rodent skeletons; large rocks; orange peel.
  • 5-litre caddies: cabbage husks; apple pith; toadstools; soft plastic capable of being moulded into any reasonable shape known to geometry; political literature.
  • Green bins: contaminated soil and radio-active waste; all other items (except non-permitted ones.

Collections will now take place on alternate days in parishes whose names contain an odd number of letters or or which start with a vowel. Other collections will take place on odd-numbered days, except Thursdays. Wednesday collections will take place on Tuesdays.

Solar farm project

In order to combat the climate emergency, the Cabinet decided in 2018 to construct a solar farm 300 feet underground in a disused nuclear bunker just outside Market Trading at a cost of £35m. This was switched on in May 2020. 

Speaking at the Full Council meeting on 1 December 2022, the portfolio holder for Shiny Ideas, Elspeth Dreadnaught, confirmed that since then the farm had generated 0KWh of power. She was asked by Councillor Artemis Buttermilk if the subterranean location had, in retrospect, been a mistake.

“The decision was taken as a result of a robust two-year commissioning exercise with Jasper Heavily Underground Consultancy Ltd,” Councillor Dreadnaught replied. On being asked if this was the same Jasper Heavily who had at one time been The Council’s Portfolio holder for Road Retention (but who had since vanished, along with many of the roads he was meant to be retaining), Councillor Dreadnaught said that she “hadn’t felt it necessary to ask.”

At this point the Chairman of the Council, Councillor Simeon Fetlock, ruled (after several minutes of frenzied whispering into his ear by the Monitoring Officer) that the issue was inquorate, inactive, inconvenient, inoperative and contrary to policy and moved the discussion to the next agenda item but six.

Planning applications

  • The application for a four-bed house in Fallow to be turned inside out (22/09987/INVERT) has been refused.
  • The application for 401 homes on land north of Euphonium Park, each house 10% smaller than the previous one (21/98877/MICRO) has been refused on the grounds that “the last 126 are invisible to the naked eye and the last nine exist only on a sub-atomic scale”.
  • The application to convert the second floor of Snoggers in Thatchbury into a low-rise mezzanine basement  (21/45500/WOW) has been approved.
  • The application to erect a fifty-metre tower of basalt and obsidian with the power to summon forth the endless darkness in the beer garden of The Ring of Destiny in Deadbarrow (21/00889/SAURON) has been approved subject to the condition that it may only be used by Nazgul between 10am and 5pm Monday to Friday.

Roads

The prosecutions arising from the incident between the A993 and the B600 on 10 December 2018 which subsequently led to years of international legal wrangles has been abandoned. The Council’s Senior Legal Officer, Lucinda Plumb-Rumpole, said that “no useful purpose could be served by continuing to prosecute these roads, one of which is now believed to be in hiding in Transcaucasia and the other is claiming to part of the Republic of Madagascar.”

A journalist from the Thatchbury Advisor, Gazette and Herald (incorporating the Tantamount Weekly Sneak and Informer) asked Ms Plumb-Rumpole if she could reveal how much had so far been spent by The Council on this case. “No,” she replied.

The journalist then said he would ask his ward member, Douglas Douglas, to raise the matter in Full Council. “He can if he wants to,” he was told, “but we’re certainly not going to tell that bastard anything we don’t absolutely have to.”

The potholes on the B007 in Bebop Karla and the B6789 to the south of Boiling have been re-defined as “traffic calming measures.”

The Z9 to Cittàgazze, Lannisport, Edoras and Beruna Bridge will be closed for time-portal repairs until further notice.

Bus services

  • Route BBC2 between Chippings Loose and Billow will run bilaterally from 17 December.
  • Route 87a between Thatchbury Hogmarket and Cream Cornett via Bebop Parva is now an inferred service (but has vanished).
  • Route 125 between Market Trading and South Moleskin has been reflected and will now only run in inverse proportion to the times specified in the timetable.
  • Route 200, Thatchbury Hogmarket to South Moleskin. This remains an aspirational service.
  • Route 44x between Bebop Smiley and Lemming St Judas has vanished, along with all the passengers who were on board the 16.05 service on 3 December.
  • Councillor Electra Scarlett – who was appointed portfolio holder for road and bus retention in October 2022 to replace Councillor Daphne Flypast (who had vanished) has vanished. Councillor Rudolph Sidewinder has been appointed to the role in his place.

Rail services

Due to a number of factors including the construction of of the £600bn HS56 – which will run non-stop from Inverness to Bodmin Parkway, slashing six minutes off the journey time – Covid, the recovery from Covid, the return of Covid, the recovery from that, the climate emergency, Brexit, staffing problems, the wrong kind of werewolves on the tracks, the cost-of-living crisis, winter, inflation, hyper-inflation, strikes, more strikes and the 2022 World Cup, a number of changes have been introduced to services in the area. See the map below for details.

The new fares which came into operation on all TwisterTrack services on 23 October 2022 have been abandoned. The Go-far Qatar Red Rover Off-peak ticket will, with immediate effect, be replaced by the Mister Twister Apex Saver Plus (the italics must be used in all communications). This will be valid on all services except on blue days and other days.

Note that these changes are retrospective and apply only to journeys which have already been completed. If you have used a TwisterTrack service since 23 October 2022 you need to re-validate your fare online using the app. Note that a separate application must be made in respect of each journey taken in this period. Any penalty fares have already been calculated and are subject to interest charges at the prevailing rate as defined elsewhere from time to time as necessary. The judges’ decision is final and no correspondence will be entered into.

Geographical changes

  • West Sunak his requested that it should in future be known as Sunak (West). A decision by The Council’s Senior Name-reversal Officer is expected some time in 2023.
  • Lemming St Trinians, which declared UDI from The Council in 2019, has confirmed that it is now, pending an appeal from the Ministry of Fisheries, an autonomous province of Madagascar.
  • Otterly St Pancras has vanished.

Mutations

  • The following animals will mutate in December 2022: piebald griffins; love cats; foundling shrews; engorged whisky sloths.
  • The following animals will mutate in January 2023: Loosely packed ravens; comme il faut striped peat-beavers; electric hydrant-snails; cloven polar bovines of an erotic disposition; Bavarian solstice hounds; mandible mice.

The following licensing changes have been approved by The Council

  • The Powdered Muffin, Trivet: vodka ice rink in the car park until midnight.
  • The Horse and Whispering Horse, South Moleskin: polar-bear baiting on Friday evenings.
  • The Other Horse, South Moleskin: lager-only before 10am.
  • The Accrued Elephant, West Sunak: licence revoked until further notice.
  • The Inner Yak, Thatchbury: sponsored readings from Shakespeare and the Bible on Tuesdays.
  • The Hanging Indent, South Minty. No gerunds, participles or subordinate clauses after 8.30pm.
  • The Dog, the Bricklayer and Two More Dogs, Market Trading: this pub has vanished.
  • The Fox and Turpentine, Boiling: closed except on strike days.
  • Lady Percival’s Hamster, Lemming St Judas: trussed oxen service only at weekends.
  • The Lamplighter’s Arms, Beebop Karla: licence revoked until further notice.
  • The Blind Octopus of Jerusalem, Tustle: Samoan rum dances on Fridays.
  • The Gravy Robber’s Zinc Pancake, Fallow: half-price electric water at weekends.
  • The Ring of Destiny, Deadbarrow: closed until the coming of the great darkness.
  • The Viral Load, Wuhan Parva: licence revoked until further notice.
  • The Somali Pirate, Deadbarrow Maze: only open from 9am to 11am on Thursdays.
  • The Intrepid Catfish, Euphonium: licence revoked until further notice.
  • The Logmarket Arms in Dogmarket, Thatchbury: anti-clockwise service only.
  • Kwayzy Kwarteng’s Revue Bar, Thatchbury: licence revoked until further notice.
  • The Electric Rabbit Warren on Stilts, Minty: licence revoked until further notice.
  • Ravey Davey’s Cave Haven Thatchbury: unrequited-love roller disco until 2am.
  • Snoggers, Thatchbury: licence revoked until further notice.
  • Kind of like Wow!, Thatchbury: licence revoked until further notice. 

Previous announcements received from ‘The Council’: 

Brian Quinn

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2 Responses

  1. I have been trying to read news from the council without laughing too loudly so I don’t wake up my wfe, who is asleep upstairs – an impossible task. Sign me up for the blindfold beginners firework making and gin tasting workshop!

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