Important Information from ‘The Council’ (October 2022)

For over five years we have been receiving intermittent announcements from “The Council” (see end of this post for earlier announcements). None of these specified which council it was. On 11 October 2022, we received a further communication about this highly alarming place. Once again, we reprint it verbatim, just in case…

Cost-of-living – hardship funds

The Council has recently been granted £5.4m by the new central government to help alleviate the cost-of-living crisis. The Finance portfolio holder, Lavinia Housepride, announced that these sums had been ring-fenced for the exclusive benefit of certain groups, as follows:

  • £2.3m: for left-handed Sagittarians who were over the age of 75 on 1 October and who have been continually resident in the district since 31 March 1988.
  • £1.1m: for greengrocers (including costermongers).
  • £1.1m: for people suffering from red/green or green/blue colour blindness.
  • £880,000: for anyone currently in holy orders who has not ever stood for elected office.
  • £20,000: for people on Universal Credit.

The Council has also started its own fund with donations being solicited from junior Council employees. This currently stands at £23.54.

Cost-of-living – correction

In the September issue of the The Council’s monthly newsletter, We’re Looking at You, Finance portfolio holder Lavinia Housepride was quoted as saying that “inflation is set to reach 23000000% this week month week and is set to rise to rise to rise steeple therethrethe until and is set and is set inflationion rise steeple.” We apologise for this, which was caused by an error.

She actually said something quite different. This will be quoted in full full quotedful quoted in full in the next the next issue issue to rise month month issue steeplele in full.

Cost-of-living – community reaction

There are 51 parishes in The Council’s area. Within 15 hours of the government’s so-called mini-budget, 45 of these had announced that they had created volunteer networks, steering groups with the town or parish council and raised a combined total of £90m from local donations.

The six councils which have not so far made such arrangements are:

  • Lemming St Trinians (which declared UDI in November 2019 as a result of an unwelcome planning decision and now regards itself as being part of the Republic of Madagascar, although an appeal by the Ministry of Fisheries is pending).
  • Lashings Magna (which has been underwater since January 2020 as a result of a sewage leak).
  • West Sunak, Boiling North and Boiling Wednesday (which are, according to Councillor Jasper Heavily’s motion proposed at, and passed by, the June 2022 Full Council, “inquorate, insolvent, inadequate, intemperate, infertile, intestate and incapable of conducting their own affairs.”)
  • South Frolic (which has vanished).

Other Council news

Members’ questions. The Council has recently become increasingly concerned by the number of vexatious questions posed by members and has decided to adopt, in the words of Council Leader Lupine de Souza, “a robust policy of preventing hard-working local families and businesses from having their council tax squandered on asking hard-working officers to reply to infuriating enquiries which are designed merely to elicit information about the Council’s performance.”

She cited the following recent examples of what she termed “flagrant abuses of democratic process by certain members who are, for the most part, manifest satanists”:

  • A question from Councillor Douglas Douglas in January 2022 as to why The Council had, on 23 January 2022, placed £85,000 on the 3/1-on favourite at Market Rasen which fell at the second hurdle.
  • A question from Councillor Artemis Buttermilk in March 20223 as to who had approved a £2.2m spend on a “high-profile rebranding exercise” the only result of which was the apostrophe in The Council’s logo being changed from Gill Sans to New Baskerville.
  • A question from Councillor Terrigan Marchlever in June 2022 as to what progress The Council had made in living up to its election promise in 2019 that it would “without delay investigate the possibility of using a bank to store its funds, rather than keeping this in cash in the airing cupboard on the first floor of the portfolio holder’s home at The Castle, Private Road, Lashings Magna, TB19 6YT.”

“These are,” Councillor de Souza said, “just three examples of the kind of pettifogging, divisive, malicious, trivial, pointless, time-wasting, self-interested, politically motivated, carping, small-minded, envious, conflicted, repulsive and offensive enquiries with which we have to grapple on an almost hourly basis.”

She went on to confirm that members would henceforth only be allowed to ask questions of the Cabinet on their birthdays.

Council funds. It has been widely reported that local authorities are coming under increasing financial pressure. To address this, The Council will, from 1 December 2022, introduced a Random Income Levy (RIL). The names of two residents will be drawn every month and each will receive an invoice for £35,000 (plus VAT), payable by return. 

Thatchbury Industrial Estate. The Council has recently employed the services of Tort Consulting to prepare, in the words of the brief, a “a robust 360-degree vision for this gateway zone to Thatchbury that is designed to enthuse, engage, exceed, explore, explode and erupt the unlocked potential of hard-working families and businesses through the application of a world-class placemaking and wayfinding exercise to scope and define a lifestyle paradigm backed up with vibrant new-age 21st-century fit-for-purpose commercial reality within a sustainable architectural construct that is sympathetic to the aspirations of the district and the natural environment.”

Tort has been working on this since April 2019 and recently reported its findings. “The exciting news,” Regeneration portfolio holder Polar McDouble said, “is that the recommendation is that matters be left exactly as they are. This represents a major saving for our hard-working council tax payers and hard-pressed businesses.”

Refuse collections. The following changes have been made to roadside collections.

  • Black bins: white goods.
  • Yellow bins: any “green” items, however defined.
  • Grey bins: roadkill; stolen goods; the bits of spring onions that go manky if you leave them in the bottom of the fridge for too long.
  • Invisible bins (£100pa charge): unwelcome or unfamiliar objects.
  • Blue caddies: unwanted pets.
  • Green bins: contaminated soil and radio-active waste.

Collections will now take place on the first Thursday of every odd-numbered month and the second Tuesday of every even-numbered month. If either falls on a Friday then it will be collected the previous Monday. 

Hydro-electric project

In order to combat the climate emergency, the Cabinet has decided that the River Ox and the River Violet would be dammed a mile north of Butterscotch and the whole of Moleskin Valley flooded to create what the Council’s Senior Engineer called “a bloody great reservoir” which would drive a hydro-electric plant that would power “a hell of a lot of homes.” A statement from the Council confirmed that this would result in the complete submersion of the parishes of Osbertsworthy, South Moleskin and Tremelo.

Opposition members and local residents have expressed outrage at the proposals and demanded a full public enquiry. They have also questioned how the matter could have got this far without any kind of consultation.

“This is exactly the kind of petty, partisan nit-picking I mentioned earlier,” Council Leader Lupine de Souza said. “We decided this at Cabinet last Thursday night and it still seemed a good idea on Friday morning –  so we’re going to do it. What’s the point in electing a council if it isn’t going to make bold decisions?”

She added that, as well as providing “a good deal of electricity”, the scheme would also result in savings. “With three fewer parish councils to pay for and about eight miles of roads that won’t need to repaired, this will represent a “net gain for hard-working local families.” She was also asked when matters such as planning permission, compensation for home owners and construction tendering would be dealt with. “These details can be looked at later,” she replied. “The important thing now is just to do it.”

Planning news

  • The application for 375 eight-bedroom homes (ref 22/87777/FUL) piled one on top of each other on the A333 roundabout south of Largely Bigenough has been approved, subject to the condition that every other home be invisible.
  • The application for a nuclear reactor (ref 22/09986/KERPOW) in a field somewhere near Lockjaw Parva (the location couldn’t be established as the site visit was cancelled following the Queen’s death) has been approved without conditions.
  • The application for 16 affordable homes for elderly people in Cream Cornett (ref 10/00043/HELP) was refused on the grounds that the people for whom the homes were intended have probably all died in the 12 years that have passed since the application was validated.
  • The local plan. The refresh of this document – which will be the Council’s bible for making planning decisions – was started in May 1934 and was due to have been submitted to the Planning Inspector by the end of 2026, with adoption planned “no later than fifteen years later.” For the 17th time, however, this has been delayed, with submission now expected “at some point during the first half of the century” according to a Council spokesperson.

Roads

The prosecutions arising from the incident between the A993 and the B600 on 10 December 2018, which were halted in January 2019 after the A993 broke bail conditions, were re-started in October 2019 when the road was arrested at Dover. However a halt was again called in June 2020 the A993 escaped from custody and wrapped itself around the Bulgarian Embassy, where it has claimed political asylum. The political impasse has not since been resolved.

The Z9 to Cittàgazze, Winterfell, Bree and Cair Paravel will be closed for time-portal repairs until further notice.

The B777 between Chippings Loose and Billow was reverse-electrified in December 2020 but has since vanished.

The B008 between Deadbarrow and Wuhan Parva was, following a “robust in-depth internal review of the mindfulness and mental wellbeing of local transport routes” diverted to run underground on 2 February 2021 but has since vanished.

Councillor Jasper Heavily – who was appointed portfolio holder for road retention in May 2020 to replace Councillor Rayner Filigree (who had vanished) – has vanished. Councillor Daphne Flypast has been appointed to the role in his place.

Bus services

The new night-bus service, the 00000, introduced in December 2017  between Upper Darkening and Thatchbury Dogmarket, will in future arrive but not depart.

The P45 service between The Doldrums, Lockjaw Parva and Deadbarrow will now be operated by a driverless bus (note that the bus cannot drive itself but it will, due to staff shortages, be without a driver and so will not run).

The M15 service between Esterhase Circus and Beebop Karla has been replaced by the M16 running between Bebop Smiley and somewhere else that we aren’t allowed to tell you about. This will on Sundays operate non-stop and in reverse as the route KG(B). We aren’t allowed to tell you anything about that either.

The Howling Moor bus station in Thatchbury has vanished. All services previously starting and terminating here will with immediate effect start from Thatchbury Hogmarket and terminate at Thatchbury Bogmarket (Thatchbury Frogmarket on Tuesdays)

The following changes have been introduced to services in and around Thatchbury:

Route 1, Dogmarket to Tickle. This will now run only on Tuesdays and will be drawn by cattle.
Route 59, Logmarket to Frogmarket (via Dogmarket). Extended to Hogmarket when Saturn is in the ascendent.
Route 73a, Hogmarket to Tremble and Terrapin St Rufus. This is now a referred service.
Route 101c, Frogmarket to The Doldrums and Tantamount. This is now an implicit service.
Route 101d, Boiling to The Doldrums and South Moleskin. This is now a redacted service.
Route 33161, Wailing Moor bus station to Cream Cornett. This service has vanished.

Rail services

Due to a number of factors including the construction of of the £500bn HS5 – which will run non-stop from Thurso to Castle Cary, slashing seven minutes off the journey time – Covid, the recovery from Covid, the return of Covid, the climate emergency, Brexit, staffing problems, the wrong kind of wolves on the line, the cost-of-living crisis, the gilt crisis, the advent of winter, inflation, Putin’s war and the 2022 World Cup, a number of changes have been introduced to services in the area. See the map below for details. 

The new fares which came into operation on all TwisterTrack services on 26 June 2021 have been abandoned. The Mister Twister Emirates Airlines Red Rover Etihad ticket will, with immediate effect, be replaced by the Online Day Saver Return Amazon Apex Plus (the italics must be used in all communications). This will be valid on all services except on alternate days and other days.

Note that these changes are retrospective and apply only to journeys which have already been completed. If you have used a TwisterTrack service since 26 June 2021 you need to re-validate your fare online using the app. Note that a separate application must be made in respect of each journey taken in this period. Any penalty fares have already been calculated and have doubled and made vulnerable. Fares calculated in hearts can be converted to spades or no-trumps at participating bookshops. One-eyed Jacks remain wild in August and September.

Geographical changes

Chippings Loose and the parts of Billow south of the River Ox should now “be assumed to be part of Paraguay for all practical purposes for the foreseeable future” according to the verdict delivered by the Supreme Court of the United Nations in a case deciding the culpability of rodent attacks on water meters in Martinique. The Council is, however, “robustly rebutting this intrusion into its sovereignty” and claims that the judgment is the result of a mis-translation.

West Sunak, Boiling North and Boiling Wednesday are now being run by the Osbertsworthy Young Offenders’ Institute for a trial period of ten years

Lemming St Trinians, which declared UDI from The Council in 2019, has confirmed that it is now, pending an appeal from the Ministry of Fisheries, an autonomous province of Madagascar. 

Mutations

The following animals will mutate in October 2022: septum newts; chromatic seal moths; tequila hounds; powdered mall rats; daffodil shrews.
The following animals will mutate in November 2022: icicle toads; finisterre poodle whippets; intrinsic animals of any reasonable persuasion; Fabergé’s brass porcupines.

The following licensing changes have been approved by The Council

The Horse and Whispering Horse, South Moleskin: “don’t ask, don’t tell” service from 6pm.
The Other Horse, South Moleskin: lager-only before 10am.
The Accrued Elephant, West Sunak: electrocuted rodent frenzy from 8pm on Tuesdays.
The Fox and Turpentine, Boiling: closed except on on quarter days and during postal strikes.
Lady Percival’s Hamster, Lemming St Judas: topless male jousting until 9pm.
The Lamplighter’s Arms, Beebop Karla: civet-wrangling with vodka chasers on Tuesdays.
The Blind Octopus of Jerusalem, Tustle: licence revoked until further notice.
The Gravy Robber’s Zinc Pancake, Fallow: half-price electric water at weekends.
The Ring of Destiny, Deadbarrow: closed until the Valar return.
The Viral Load, Wuhan Parva: licence revoked until further notice.
The Intrepid Catfish, Euphonium: bring-your-own, cook-you-own, wash-up-your-own buffet every evening until 8pm.
The Frogmarket Arms in Logmarket, Thatchbury: anti-clockwise service only.
Kwayzy Kwarteng’s Revue Bar, Thatchbury: licence revoked until further notice.
The Electric Rabbit Warren on Stilts, Minty: licence revoked until further notice.
Make it Real!!, Thatchbury: Tug-of-love hornet baiting until 9pm.
Snoggers, Thatchbury: open online only.
Wow, like Wow!, Thatchbury: No vodka sales before 10pm.

Other announcements received from ‘The Council’: 

Brian Quinn

• For further articles, please click here
• For songs, please click here

Facebook
Twitter
Pinterest
Email
Print

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Sign up to the free weekly

Penny Post
e-newsletter 

 

For: local positive news, events, jobs, recipes, special offers, recommendations & more.

Covering: Newbury, Thatcham, Hungerford, Marlborough, Wantage, Lambourn, Compton, Swindon & Theale