Tottenham Hotspur fans receive anti-optimism jabs

The BBC reported that Tottenham Hotspur’s stadium became a walk-in vaccination centre last Sunday in what was described as “a medically-proven attempt to break the seemingly never-ending cycle of hopeless expectations” which has gripped the club for decades.

“This is a big moment in Tottenham’s history,” spokesman Rowan Ackerman said. “We’re happy to confirm that we have enough supplies of Optizap to vaccinate every season-ticket holder before the start of next season. There have been too many false dawns, false messiahs and false number nines, none of which have managed to live up to expectations. The unrealistic optimism was causing problems for our players and, more importantly, for our shareholders. Do the fans think they’re made of money?

“People need to understand that there’s no point in spending insane sums on high-profile managers and next-greatest-thing strikers when they aren’t going to change anything. We’re not Arsenal and there’s no point in pretending otherwise.”

The club has been working with the Russian Pharma giant VAR to produce the drug which will, it’s claimed, reduce unrealistic expectations by 40% after one jab and by 90% after two. Almost all of the club’s 67 season-ticket holders have received their first shot and the stadium was thrown open on Sunday for those wanting the second dose.

He also corrected the BBC’s assertion that “hundreds” of season-ticket holders had been present, stressing that in fact a good number of those in the photograph were waiting for the delayed 217 bus service or queuing outside the Gazza’s Greedo Gambling slot arcade. “We certainly wouldn’t want to give the impression we have “hundreds” of season-ticket holders,” Ackerman explained. “That would imply success, or at least the expectation of it. That’s exactly the kind of misconception this exercise is intended to dispel.”

Initial results from the vaccinations are encouraging, with Spurs chatrooms already moving away from debating the chances of silverware next season to considering the prospects of avoiding relegation.

“This is the outcome we’re looking for,” Ackerman continued. “This will ensure that mid-table safety is all that supporters realistically expect. It’s certainly all that the shareholders will realistically pay for.”

He also confirmed that, as an inducement to sign up for the jab, all supporters will be offered a copy of Tottenham – the Glory Years at a special price of £149 – £9 for the video and £140 for the 1970s Betamax machine on which to play it.

Brian Quinn

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