New drama was unleashed this evening as fresh accusations of voter fraud swept the nation. No sooner had the White House’s legal team had a court case thrown out than another was brought to the table. Like a game of legal whack-a-mole, shocking new allegations are raised daily, and in varying degrees of desperation, in an attempt to throw the democratic process into disrepute.
Tension was running at fever pitch yesterday as Broody Crudiani, Chief Mole and Executive Lawyer-in-chief to the President, held a press conference at Richard’s Garden Centre in Molewack, Arizona. There he outlined the fresh wave of litigation about to be inserted into the political narrative like an unwanted flu jab filled with Bill Gates-patented micro-chips.
“This morning we have submitted three fresh cases to the supreme court showing, what we believe to be indisputable instances of voter fraud.” Crudiani illustrated his point by violently brandishing a handful of paper. These were revealed to be sworn affidavits, the testimony of ‘thousands’ of poll watchers and volunteers.
“These men and women,”Crudiani continued, his sweaty claws tightly gripping the documents,”were unable to attend to their duties after being struck down with an unexplained illness. The nature of this is still being investigated but we have it on strong evidence that it was the bubonic plague, brought on by a left-leaning coven of witches.”
After waiting for a collective murmur of shock from the assembled journalists, which either did not materialise or else was drowned by the shrieking whine coming from the nearby Al’s Car Breaker’s Yard, the Chief Mole mopped his brow and continued his exposition.
“We have even more disturbing reports from a Philadelphia counting room. Republican poll watchers were forced to try to do the Lord’s work while having poisonous frogs rained on them from above. To further distract them from their duties, Democrat officials poured lamb’s blood on the ballots, all the while chanting from The Book of the Damned in an attempt to summon the Prince of Darkness.”
At this point there was a pause while the journalists watched fascinated while, behind the stage, Al’s crane hoisted a written-off vintage Ford Mustang into the air before dropping it onto a pile of other discarded automobiles.
“Most shocking of all,”Crudiani continued in an attempt to win back the attention of his audience “we have eye-witness testimony from a gravedigger in Nevada. He swears that he saw members from The Squad sacrifice a young Republican party member in the days leading up to the election. His soul was traded with the devil in a highly contentious act of necromancy to bring deceased voters back to life.”
The culprit, the laser-focused Crudiani explained, was Congresswoman Alexandria Oscasia Cortez who apparently coerced damned souls to sign an unholy contract. The terms? They could only return to the bliss of the void when they cast their ballot for Biden. “Not only is this an infringement on the rights of the dead, but this ‘dance with the Devil’ is highly un-constitutional and we shall pursue it in court. That and everything else. And I mean everything.”
In the stunned pause that followed, fellow attorney Pidney Sowell darted forward and seized the microphone. “It’s going to be biblical,” she howled at the press corps before being wrestled offstage.
“And if these allegations shock you, they shouldn’t,” Crudiani continued, as if nothing had happened.”We know that Ruth Bader Ginsburg was reported to sacrifice one child every hour to extend her life far beyond those of normal humans. Nancy Pelosi even posted her own recipe for health shakes that include avocado, turmeric, basil and the blood of a virgin. But, hey – that’s California!”
One reporter managed to ask whether Broody would be following up on claims that the ghost of Hugo Chavez possessed voting booths to swing the election to the left. Crudiani’s scoffed at this and screamed his retort, arms aloft. “Do we look mental to you?”
When pressed for physical evidence by CNN’s Jim Acosta, he produced a plastic container brimming with frogs. Acosta was then pelted with the unfortunate animals before being chased by Crudiani screaming, “is this physical enough for you?”
A spokesperson for Richard’s Garden Centre later confirmed that the frogs had been bought some hours earlier from Richard’s Outdoor Pet Store. Each unfortunate amphibian had been hastily branded with pentagrams just before the press conference.
This was hastily condemned by animal charities nationwide, with Save the Frogs weighing in on Twitter: “It’s bad enough to tarnish frogs with the brush of Satan, but to brand them with his mark is crossing the line.” We will be filing an official lawsuit against Crudiani under the Animal Protection Act.”
Crudiani has since filed a countersuit.
The image at the top of this post was taken from Politio, which was used to illustrate this story.