Days off School

Children’s days off school because of ‘illness’ follow an invariable pattern. It’s as well to be remember what this is so that the necessary defensive manoeuvres can be planned in advance. You might find it useful to print this and have it pinned up in the kitchen for easy reference.

07.30 – Patient announces he’s sick, didn’t sleep, is unable to move his legs, can’t possibly go to school, etc.

08.30 – Patient requests hot honey and lemon, hot-water bottle, cat, etc. Request granted.

09.45 – Patient requests toast with the crusts cut off. Request refused.

09.55 – Patient repeats request. Request reluctantly granted.

10.45 – Patient starts wandering around the house, coughing weakly.

11.00 – Patient tries to turn on TV and is sent back to bed.

11.10 – Patient tries to turn on games console and is told to read on the sofa. Games console handset confiscated.

11.20 – Patient tries to turn on TV again. Remote control confiscated.

12.30 – Patient discovered sending texts to school friends taunting them about his day of leisure. Patient’s phone confiscated.

13.30 – Patient refuses lunch on grounds of sickness then is caught eating chocolate from a secret stash. Chocolate confiscated, patient sent back to bed.

13.35 – Patient gets up and announces that he’s bored. A course of French irregular verbs suggested. Patient says that on second thoughts he’s still feeling a bit weak and goes back to bed.

13.40 – Patient gets up again.

14.05 – Patient says he wants to play football and has to be told that (a) he’s sick (b) everyone else is at school.

17.00 – Patient relapses when homework books produced.

If at least five of these events take place in sequence then it’s a royal flush. There’s no prize Penny Post can offer for this but you will have the satisfaction of knowing you were right.

The other challenge is finding all the confiscated items which have been put in utterly incongruous places, such was your rage.

Note the use of male pronouns, as this only applies to boys (some would say it applies to males of all ages). I only have sons and so have no knowledge of girls but apparently girls don’t tend to behave like this. If you know better, get in touch.

If you want a slightly more balanced view of the problem, this article might help. I borrowed their photo for this post so I hope we’re quits.

Brian Quinn
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One Response

  1. Hahaha, brilliant Brian! I’m afraid our girl pulls the same tricks but makes it all the more realistic by requesting paracetamol at roughly 4am to set the scene….I wonder if she sets an alarm for same?

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