Some tips from an old friend on how not to do Halloween (for grown ups):

1.Don’t invite your recently widowed friend to a full-on hard-core rave in a tower block in London.  Not only is it expensive to get to, even if you have a good Uber rating, and even if the lift to the 15th floor does work and doesn’t stink of urine and vomit. By the time you get there and hear the music the front door feels very far away from anywhere normal and middle class and said friend is so deep out of her comfort zone she is hyperventilating.

2. Next no-no, don’t immediately abandon husband and friend for bottle of something toxic and head for the dance floor which has a view to die for (bad choice of words there) and is full of loitering Lotharios masquerading as ghouls or pumpkins. Obviously small talk is impossible which is why I have always advocated lip reading lessons from a young age. Personally I do the old smile-and nod-routine: works every time.

3. Do send husband home with the friend when she bails out after half an hour. Don’t just hope he might get lost in the ghetto and return to the shires in a grump.

4.When husband reappears unexpectedly try hard to look pleased to see him or just pretend – it’s called acting. When  by chance you discover the fat young man in the corner is literally half your age, don’t say so – really.  Definitely don’t hang around with fat young man for more than two minutes because the Rottweiler who is also your husband will have his hackles up in less time than it takes to say ‘down boy’ !

5. Check that the woman on the balcony is not suicidal before you start talking about whether it would be possible to land on those trees over there if you decided to jump and perhaps don’t throw your wig off just to prove the point.

6. If you dance non-stop until 4am, remember that something will give way, like your knees. It might have been alright for Mother Brown but high heels do not make a happy combo with all-night partying. Top tip: wear flats and look frumpy. Your knees will thank you.

7. Trick or treating at 4am is likely to get you locked up. You have been warned…