Important Easter Information from ‘The Council’

Last Christmas Penny Post received some information from ‘The Council’ about changes to various services over the festive period (it didn’t say which council and we didn’t recognise any of the places referred to but we included the press release verbatim in the hope that it might be of some use). Recent information suggests that ‘The Council’ might be Didcot.  However, further research by Penny Post has failed to discover any place names mentionned in the press release as being in Didcot, or indeed in any other part of the country.

Today we received a further communication from the same source. Once again, we reprint it verbatim, just in case…

Roads

The prosecutions arising from the incident between the A993 and the B600 on 10 December are expected to come before the courts in June. Both roads will remain in police custody until then.

It has so far not been possible to source replacements for the cat’s eyes which were removed from the A007 at the Wizard’s Bypass in December. The former northbound (currently westbound) lane is being held in place with duct tape and the former southbound (currently eastbound) lane by blindfolded members of the Tustle and Minty Junior Community Brass Band. A speed limit of 3mph will apply until further notice.

Due to the twin-town exchange at Market Trading (see below) driving will be on the right from 30 March to 4 April.

The B6789 between Boiling and Misty Green will be at 80º rather than the usual 85º from 23 April until further notice.

The Z9 between Bree, Winterfell and Cair Paravel will once again be closed for time-portal repairs over the whole holiday period.

Bus services

The new night-bus service, the 00000, introduced on 29 December between Upper Darkening and Thatchbury Dogmarket, is scheduled to arrive at Upper Darkening on 30 June, not 13 April as previously advertised.

A new ‘pay-as-you-earn’ round-robin service, the P45, will operate between Chippings Loose, Chippings Magna and Chippings St Peter on Good Friday and on every Friday thereafter except during September.

The M15 and M16 services between Smiley and Beebop Karla will, from 19 April, be being replaced by something else that we aren’t allowed to tell you about.

All other bus services will run as normal over the Easter holidays except that a bad Sunday service will operate on Good Friday; a Shrove Tuesday service will operate on Easter Saturday; an Ash Wednesday service will operate on Easter Sunday; and a normal Tuesday service will operate on Easter Monday.

Rail

The main line between Thatchbury Dogmarket (formerly Frogmarket) and Tantamount Junction, which was narrow-gauge until 31 January 2017, will be closed until further notice due to the conversion from electricity to North Sea gas. A replacement wagon service drawn by powerful reptiles will operate during this time.

The new fares which came into operation on all TwisterTrack services on 22 December have been retrospectively abandoned. The Standard Three-day-Week Awayday Twister Supersaver Return-plus will now be replaced by the Super Apex Offpeak Even-date Red Rover. Though this has the same name as the tickets which used to exist before 22 December the terms, conditions, exclusions, restrictions, validity, concessions, permitted routes, forbidden routes and consequences are all different. Please check with the TwisterTrack website for more details. It is expected that this new system will remain in force until 2.35pm on 22 April whereafter it will be replaced either by something with the same name  as a previous ticketing system (but with different conditions) or by something identical to a previous ticketing system (but with a different name).

Note that these changes are retrospective and apply only to journeys which have already been completed. If you used a Twister Track service between 22 December 2017 and 18 March 2018, or on any even date thereafter, you therefore need to contact TwisterTrack in order to have your fare recalculated. Note that a separate application must be made in respect of each journey taken in this period. Any penalty fares have already been calculated and were due three weeks ago.

Geographical changes

The town-twinning exchange between Market Trading and Perrusson-Joubert will take place between 24 April and 1 May. Each town will replace the other during this period. Due to variations in the respective civic boundaries, the whole of Tarka Drive, including the Sven-Goran Asylum and the saloon bar of The Dog, the Bricklayer and Two More Dogs will remain in the UK during this time. All French police and traffic regulations will apply. It has also been agreed that Perrusson-Joubert will be supplying 14 old men to stand at all approach roads into Market Trading staring at every car as if they had never seen anything like it before. Market Trading will be providing a gang of men to shout nonsense and throw empty beer cans into the front gardens of Perrusson-Joubert every night between 10pm and 2am.

Euphonium, South Moleskin and Billow will from 30 April be sponsored by Al-Aktuum Financial Services, Pte (Dubai). Each village will be renamed and Sharia law will apply, except in The Deaf Skittle (Euphonium), The Horse and Whispering Horse (South Moleskin) and The Howling Gale (Billow) which have received a special exemption. There will be a 6pm curfew on Fridays. Pigs must be kept under cover.

The council has obtained a range of mountains from the government of Nepal and will be running a consultation as to where these should be positioned. Please visit the website for more information.

The River Ox, the River Threading and The River Violet have all been sold to Aguavoltabrisk Enterprises, Russia in order to offset possible increases in Council Tax in 2034-35. These may not be used, photographed or looked at after 25 April. The rivers themselves will be removed in September and will be replaced by shopping-trolley lanes, sponsored by Tesco.

Libraries

The following libraries will close on 26 April:

• All libraries.

The Council is looking for volunteers to visit the area on bicycles shouting passages from well-known novels through megaphones. If you have a bicycle, some well-known novels, a megaphone and a Public Performance Licence, please contact the council.

The Thatchbury Day Care Centre

From 26 April this will close and be relocated in the Pizza Hut in Frogmarket. Senior citizens can benefit from the ‘Weighty Over-80 Margarita Eater’ offer, with 5% off all triple orders between 8am and 9am. Seating time is limited to 15 minutes.

Reflective Instruments

All mirrors and other reflective instruments need to be licensed with effect from 22 April. Reflective Instrument Inspectors will be conducting inspections from 23 April. Please visit the council website for further information. Fines for non-compliance or violation will be up to £50 or more or any other figure as might from time to time be necessary.

Imagination, Dreams and Memories

The Council has decided that these will also be licensed, from 13 September. A consultation to approve this decision will be launched on 14 September.

Planning

The following applications were considered by The Council at its recent Planning Committee meeting:

34 Anagram Drive, Tustle: demolition of a three-storey house and replacement with an exact replica. Rejected.

3 Hogmarket, Thatchbury: addition of a 200-foot pylon on the roof of Ravey Davey’s Cave Haven in order to stream illegal but happenin’ vibes from other places. Approved.

55 The Octopus, Minty: construction of a 20-foot sponge cake for Auntie Jane’s birthday. Rejected.

‘Wee Nookie’, Beebop Parva: addition of another house on top of the existing house, suspended by steel cables from two other houses. Approved.

Fritzi’s Bar, St Pauli’s Close, Thatchbury: construction of an ‘evil acoustic soul’ in the basement. Approved.

99 Fisherman’s Closet, Thatchbury: Demolition of house to make way for a landing strip for an unspecified alien spacecraft. Approved.

37 Marchlever Close, South Moleskin: Construction of a deep-level zinc-lined bomb shelter under number 37, and also numbers 35 and 39 (and probably numbers 33 and 41 as well). Approved.

Incubus Wood, Tustle: construction of a 5,000-home development comprising 4,800 eight-bedroom houses with helipads, saunas and indoor swimming pools, 196 seven bedroom-houses with helipads and saunas and four ‘affordable’ homes. Approved, subject to the developers painting the outside of the public toilets in Thatchbury Dogmarket with one coat of emulsion when they can get round to it, viability assessments permitting.

Brian Quinn

• For further articles, please click here
• For rants and musings set to music, please click here

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