Brian Quinn

Important Christmas and New Year Information from Somewhere or Other…

Penny Post recently received this information about changes to various services over the festive period from ‘The Council’. It didn’t say which council and we can’t recognise any of the places referred to but we include the press release verbatim in the hope that it might be of some use…

Roads

The A991 between Euphonium and Upper Darkening will be inverted until 30 December.

As a result of the recent discovery of a surface-level medieval plague pit in the Pompom Shopping Centre in Thatchbury, all traffic in Rubicon Way will be will be diverted into Brexit Street and Frogmarket, via Hogmarket and Dogmarket, until further notice.

There was a serious incident last night between the A993 and the B600 near South Moleskin. Armed police attended the scene, as a result of which the section of the A993 from Pot Luck Services to the Cream Cornett interchange was arrested and remains in police custody awaiting a court appearance in early January. The entire B600 was cautioned and placed under curfew: it will therefore not be in situ between 7pm and 8am. Drivers are advised to avoid the area ad interim as it is sub judice.

Due to the cat’s eyes being removed from the A007 at the Wizard’s Bypass near Deadbarrow Maze, two miles of the carriageway have become detached and blown into a neighbouring field. Delays can be expected for next year or so.

Driving will be on the right on all A and B roads in Thatchbury, South Moleskin, Tustle, Minty and Lemming St Judas from 17 to 31 December. There will a phased re-introduction of driving on the left, starting with odd-numbered B roads, from 10pm on 31 December.

The Thatchbury Donkey Dunking Parade on 23 December will result in the closure of all roads within a five-mile radius of Dogmarket.

The Z9 between Bree, Winterfell and Cair Paravel will be closed for time-portal repairs over the whole holiday period.

Bus services

The following changes will take place to local bus services over the holiday period:

The Minty Sprinter, the Doppler Shopper Hopper, the Tustle Bustler, the Deadbarrow Arrow and the PompomXpress will operate interchanging round-robin services from 19 December with BrockshirePass tickets being valid for return journeys only during off-peak hours.

The X281 will be re-numbered the 2y + z = 4x from 21 December and will run on Thursdays only, offering a non-stop service between South Moleskin and back to South Moleskin via Widmerpool Common, Minty and Lower Darkening (but non-stop).

On weekdays from 19 December, route 16 from Thatchbury to Tustle and Market Trading will be renamed the -16 and will run backwards.

A new night-bus service, the 00000, will be introduced on 29 December between Upper Darkening and Thatchbury Dogmarket, departing Upper Darkening at 00.10am and arriving at Thatchbury on 13 April.

The A Flat Minor and E Flat Major services between Euphonium and Beebop Parva will be diminished on Tuesdays and transposed up an augmented fifth at weekends to call additionally at Cadence Vale Hospital and Chorus Park.

Between Lemming St Judas and St James-the-least-of-all in Widmerpool Common, the 344 and 344H services will be replaced by services of evensong (in the morning) and of matins (in the afternoon). There will be no Sunday service, except on Sundays.

Route 55 between Deadbarrow Maze and Hangman Hill will be drawn by blindfolded members of the Tustle and Minty Junior Community Brass Band throughout December.

Route 56 between Deadbarrow Maze and Tusle will be drawn by trussed oxen until further notice.

Rail services

New rail fares come into operation on all TwisterTrack services on 22 December. The Super Apex Offpeak Red Rover will be replaced by the Standard Three-day-week Awayday Twister Supersaver Return-plus which is available on westbound and some eastbound and odd-numbered northbound routes starting from any station except Thatchbury Market, Tustle, South Moleskin, Boiling and Deadbarrow Maze on ‘blue’ days after 09.30 and ‘green’ days after 10.30 at weekends and are valid for triple returns within the same zone on the following day for journeys via Tustle and Tantamount Junction providing that a MisterTwister card is produced at the time of matriculating the service. Single tickets on all other routes will be increased by 44% and the price of the corresponding return tickets halved providing that the return portion is to a different destination from that which the journey commenced. Annual season tickets will no longer be valid on Wednesdays nor in April. Children under 16 will no longer be able to travel on TwisterTrack services unless strapped to a bicycle.

Also from 22 December, all on-train announcements will be made in simultaneously in English, Mandarin and Morse Code.

The main line between Thatchbury and Tantamount Junction will be narrow-gauge until 31 January. During this time it will be operated by the South Moleskin Model Railway Society using OO/HO-scale Hornby trains.

Due to great acts of valour and destiny, a Nazgul replacement rail service will operate between Minas Tirith (Low Level) and Osgiliath at weekends until early February.

Other

Wall-mounted clocks will go forward 37 minutes at 2.16pm on 20 December. Hand-held digital devices will go forward 32 minutes, oven clocks 31 minutes and car radios, watches and sundials 27 minutes. At 3.24am on 23 December (wall-mounted clock time) all timepieces except oven clocks and sundials will go back three weeks.

Due to maintenance work on the atmosphere, there will be only limited supplies of air in Beebop Parva, South Moleskin and Tustle during the hours of darkness from 19 December until 22 January. In addition, water will flow uphill and there is some risk of molecular separation: you are advised to freeze all liquids down to 20º Kelvin before consumption. Properties in Minty, Tustle and Tantamount will also have their normal gas supply replaced by liquid nitrogen until late January. Throughout the area, mains electricity will be blue rather than green at weekends and will rise to 34.000 Volts. Non-Venetian X144 or X156 solar panels should be inverted to re-calibrate the residual resistance to 500 Ohms during daylight hours using an approved bi-lateral electromuter.

The weather will, until further notice, be being supplied by the Daily Express. This will result in Arctic blizzards,  torrential rain, searing heatwaves, 200mph winds, waterspouts, volcanic eruptions, earthquakes and inland tsunamis, all taking place at the same time and all lasting for the next six weeks.

Llamas, suckling pigs, common toads and beasts that do slither upon their bellies will be mutating in December. Yellowbacked thrushes, Harman’s voles, ants, spaniels and barn owls will be mutating in January.

Rubbish collections

All black-bin collections previously made on the following days will be altered as follows between 19 December and 4 January:

Mondays: now on Wednesdays.
Tuesdays: next collection 13 April.
Wednesdays: no change.
Thursdays: no further collections.
Fridays: now on Wednesdays.

Recycling collections will be made for the following items only on 27 and 30 December and 4 January:

Hedgerows; plastic alligators; framed sepia photographs of unknown families; items made from zinc, phosphorus or cadmium; items of no particular shape or colour; pork fat; broken bottles; very small rubber bath mats; lobsters; historical maps; plumbing sundries; hay bales; and strawberry plants of no more than 250 grams.

Licensed premises

The following licensing changes have been approved by The Council:

The Horse and Whispering Horse, South Moleskin: until 11.05pm weekdays.
The Other Horse, South Moleskin: closed until further notice.
The Blind Octopus of Jerusalem, Tustle: until 6am weekdays.
The Dog, the Bricklayer and Two More Dogs, Market Trading: until tomorrow.
The Solvent Astronaut, Beebop Parva: until 2am on market days.
The Somali Pirate, Deadbarrow Maze: from 9am to 11am only on Thursdays only.
The Old Teddyboy’s Arms, Tantamount: closed until further notice.
The Waste of Time, Thatchbury: closed until further notice.
The Hogmarket Arms in Frogmarket, Thatchbury: closed until further notice.
The Electric Rabbit Warren on Stilts, Minty: until 11pm on the day before.
The Fisherman with Two Miniature Green Tricycles in his Pocket, Lemming St Judas: until midnight on every other Sunday.
The Upended Raven, Boiling: all day, all night.
KaBoom Xplosion Klub Wow!!, Thatchbury: closed until further notice.
Shaggers, Thatchbury: closed until further notice.
Ravey Davey’s Cave Haven, Thatchbury: closed until further notice.
The Camp Old Hairdressers, Thatchbury: closed until further notice.

Brian Quinn

• For further articles, please click here
• For rants and musings set to music, please click here

 

 

 

2 Comments
    • It’s possible there may be further updates from this area (wherever it is) in the new year, so information on Chippings Loose, Chippings Magna and Chippings St Peter will doubtless be included…

Leave a comment